I do not always write dry, boring accounts of detailed
nonsense. Sometimes I watch movies. Afterwards I subject my family to
rantings, ravings, and incessant blathering about certain
particularities of subtly nuanced obscurity buried in the deep, dark, recessed corners of the movie. Other
times I make sense.
This time I watched Batman: The Dark Knight.
Batman: The Dark Knight was released on the 18th
of July 2008, which makes this movie review Six-and-a-half years too late. If
you have not yet seen Batman: The Dark Knight, then you probably never will,
which is fine, because it was not that good. Here’s why…
The movie begins with a bank robbery. Bank robberies are
usually very boring. Most bank robbers walk in, hand the teller a note asking
for money, leave, and then go to Starbucks for a Caramel Macchiato and a lemon
bar. Finally they go to jail, because robbing banks is illegal and Starbucks
has security cameras.
The bank robbers in Batman: The Dark Knight do not behave in
the typical polite fashion. They are very mean. They have guns and they push people.
One of the bank patrons has a gun as well. Actually, I think he was an
employee; most likely a loan officer.
Loan officers are like police officers, except loan officers
are much worse. Both officers give you papers to sign, which require you to pay money.
The difference is that, based on a mortgage loan’s amortization schedule, you
will pay much more money to a bank for buying a house than you ever will pay to a
judge because you were speeding while trying to get to Starbucks before they
sold out of lemon bars.
While the ill-behaved thieves bungled their way through their
nefarious deed, the brave loan officer produced a sawed-off shotgun from his
pencil drawer. This was to be expected. Accountants have dangerous jobs and,
in addition to 10-key machines and sticky notes, most have personal protection
devices nearby.
What happened next, however, was so unbelievable that it ruined the
entire rest of the movie. In fact, after I retell the atrocious event that
transpired I will end this review. That is unless you want to hear about a man
with extraordinary financial resources, supported by a team of gadget-making
assistants, who single-handedly defeats an evil villain’s plot to harm civilians. And as always, James Bond wins in the end. Um…I mean Batman.
The valiant accountant approached his enemies, gun raised,
prepared to defend his honor, the bank’s reputation, and stacks of
inflation-devalued fiat currency. He shot once. He shot twice. He shot again
and again, and I think he shot again. I can’t remember, because I had stopped
counting. My mouth was hanging open in shock. I could not fathom how anyone,
even a financial expert, could miss at such close range with a shotgun.
Disbelief can be suspended only so much. After this, my mind
was unable to pretend that a guy in a plastic suit could jump off buildings, ride magnetic balloons out of windows
and defeat rooms full of gun-wielding maniacs. Not to mention the scene when Batman
drove the bat-motorcycle around the Joker instead of driving straight into him. Why didn’t Batman hit
him with the bat-motorcycle? That would have severely injured the Joker. At the
very minimum he would have been in intensive care for months while healing.
